


Dwobbits or Quarterlings?

by verily



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-05
Updated: 2013-01-05
Packaged: 2017-11-23 19:11:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/625599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verily/pseuds/verily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While Thorin's Company rests at Rivendell, Fili and Kili discover that Bofur and Bombur are hiding a very big secret.</p>
<p>(A fill for the Hobbit-Kink meme. No actual kink involved.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

There was something terribly familiar about Bofur and Bombur that Bilbo could not put his finger on. This feeling nagged at Bilbo ever since their very first encounter in Bag End. Perhaps it was Bombur's roundness and unabashed love of food that made him think of Old Posco Chubb plowing through several pies during a springtime festival. Or how the ever present twinkle in Bofur's eye and his easy kindness--when every other dwarf would cast the hobbit an exasperated scowl--unexpectedly reminded Bilbo of his dear gardener.

But Bilbo knew this familiarity to be impossible of course. They were dwarves after all. Bewhiskered, leather-shod, mattock-wielding dwarves of the Blue Mountains, who were currently well into their cups while lazing about the veranda outside their rooms in Rivendell. 

*thump*

"I win again!" Nori boomed with glee as he pinned Bofur's arm to the table. "I thought you miners were supposed to be especially strong, sturdy folk. Perhaps it was only luck that had you pinning Ori." 

Bofur shrugged while reaching for his mug. Gesturing clumsily with it in no particular direction, he said, "Aye, I'm plenty strong. Just tired from our journey, is all." A bit of elvish wine sloshed onto the floor.

"Don't be feeding your drink to the ground, lad," Dwalin called from his spot against the railing. "If you'd concentrate more on putting your food in your mouth rather than giving it away, then maybe you wouldn't be so narrow for a grown dwarf. Your brother's wide enough!" 

Out of the corner of his eye, Bilbo spied Kili and Fili whispering and casting glances in Bofur and Nori's direction. Had to be mischief, he decided. They rarely did not pass an hour without exuding some measure of it.

Bofur set his cup down and pushed up from the table. "That's enough teasing for now, I think." Pulling his clarinet from a hidden pocket in his jerkin, he put it to his lips and trilled a few notes. "Fancy a song, boys? Feels too serious in this place." He set about playing a merry jig and his fellow dwarves stomped their feet to the rhythm.

So did Bilbo, which perplexed him a little. "Wait...I think I know this one," he said softly to himself.

Bombur winked at Bilbo as he wobbled unsteadily towards the center of the room. He began to spin and kick to the tune, surprisingly spry for a dwarf of such bulk. When Bofur finished the tune, Bombur nodded at his brother and beckoned him over. "Song's meant to be sung."

Bofur trotted over and clasped hands (as linking arms was a bit difficult for them). Spinning each other around, they started to sing the song again:

Hey, ho! To the bottle I go,  
To heal my heart and drown my woe,  
Rain may fall and wind may blow,  
But there still be many miles to go.

Sweet is the sound of the pouring rain,  
And the stream that falls from hill to plain,  
But better than rain or rippling brook...

Bombur yelled out the last line on his own. "Is a mug of beer inside this cook!" The brothers faced each other and laughed heartily. Dwarves around the room raised their mugs and tipped them back.

The hobbit couldn't believe his ears. How in the world? He walked up to the brothers and stammered at them for a few moments. "That. That's a Hobbit song! How do dwarves know a hobbit song?" Bombur and Bofur exchanged a meaningful look. Bilbo continued obliviously, "Well, I mean, you've changed up the last bit. A _Took_ , not a cook, wrote it long ago." 

The other dwarves leaned in to better hear the conversation. Bofur looked sheepishly at Bilbo, "Oh, well, it's just something I heard. No need to get so worked up. I collect all sorts of songs and stories." He rubbed the back of his neck as if he'd been caught about something. Bombur excused himself and sidled back to his corner to munch on some rolls he begged from the kitchens.

Bilbo would have inquired further about where Bofur had heard it, but Kili and Fili chose that very moment to set their wicked plans into action.


	2. Chapter 2

Skipping up to Bilbo and Bofur, Fili put on his best look of innocence as he asked them "Say, I've always wanted to learn some songs myself. My mother only sang lullabies to us. And Thorin's too serious for tavern tunes. Would you mind...?" 

"Oh, I'd love to, lad. I know a fair number of simple ones to get you started." Bofur cheerfully offered, looking a bit relieved to not have to answer to any more of Bilbo's inquiries. Fili clapped, perhaps a bit too excitedly, at this response.

"Good, good. And you too, Bilbo?" Fili asked. "I should like to learn some songs that no dwarves would know." He put his hand on Bilbo's shoulder to help soften him up.

What neither Bilbo nor Bofur realized was that Kili was sneaking up behind them. It was probably overkill on Fili and Kili's part to set up such a distraction or to sneak in such a way, as both of their marks were quite addled by wine currently. However, adding an unnecessary flair of drama to things is what made mischief so fun.

Oin noticed the young dark-haired dwarf making exaggerated sneaking steps towards the group in the middle and sat up. "What sort of silliness are you up to?" However, his warning was too late as Kili sprinted the last few steps towards his target and snatched the hat off his head. Fili shrieked with laughter and joined his brother in retreating to the far side of the veranda.

Bofur raised a hand to his hair after a bit of a delay and then turned in the direction of his tormentors. "Hey now. What's this about?"

From the bench they were standing on, Kili and Fili bobbed up and down like a pair of mad squirrels atop a branch and barked with laughter. Setting the hat atop his head, Kili pointed at Bofur and laughed some more. "You never take this hat off. We were starting to wonder if it was becoming permanently attached...perhaps by troll snot!" This last bit was directed at Bilbo.

"Well, I never..." Bilbo muttered indignantly.

Bofur began to walk in their direction, "Now give that back, you scamps!" They scattered and ran towards the other side. "Hey now. Be fair about it." He turned and started towards them again. Fili, feeling rather bold, ran up to him and jigged a bit before darting out of reach. "I'll give you what for if you keep it up!" Bofur threatened. 

"Do you even have ears under all that hair?" Kili teased as he ran forward and shook his head at Bofur. "Don't know how you can hear with your braids keeping them tucked away." Kili darted out of reach as Bofur made a drunken grab for his hat.

Getting dizzy from all that movement, Bofur cried "Oh, hang it all, I give up!" and plopped down on the floor.

Kili and Fili scenting blood decided to tackle Bofur and increase his torturing. The other dwarves cackled gleefully at Bofur's misfortune (but were secretly thankful all the same that it was not directed at themselves). Bilbo moved near Dwalin, knowing that the two wouldn't dare go after him while next to the large warrior. 

"You know, for a time I thought you were bald on top." Kili said as he tickled Bofur's stomach. Bofur squirmed and laughed reflexively.

Fili played with Bofur's braids as he sat upon the older dwarf's chest, "And I thought that you were hiding some treasure under there." The leather from one of Bofur's braids slipped off. "Whoops! Hmm, better make them match." He pulled the leathers off Bofur's other braids.

"Stop! Stop you!" Bofur wheezed as Fili began to fluff out his hair.

"Quite nice hair you have. Don't know why you cover it up." Fili hummed as he ran his fingers through it.

"Please stop. I'll give you extra servings at dinner."

Kili picked up a loose leather tie and moved towards Bofur's head. "Let's flip him over, Fili. I'm going to make him pretty." In one deft maneuver, they flipped him over and Fili resumed his perch upon Bofur's back. They ignored Bofur's protests as Kili worked on gathering up his hair into a ponytail high on his head. "Our nursery maid wore her hair up like this. She was the prettiest lass I'd ever laid my eyes upon. Sure do miss her..." Once his work was finished, Kili stepped away and motioned at Fili to let Bofur go. 


	3. Chapter 3

Shaky and red-faced, Bofur rolled over and into a seated position. He panted and stared at the floor as he tried to regain his composure. "I'm going to get you both back, you know. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But I will get you back." He looked up at them from his position on the floor, a most pitiful sight, and then winked slyly. Fili and Kili, for their part, shot concerned glances at each other. An unbidden thought popped into Bilbo's head as he noticed that Bofur looked quite lovely with his hair up and how prettily his cheeks and the tips of his ears reddened. Wait. Tips?

Fili seemed to have noticed too. He leaned in and exclaimed loudly, "Your ears are pointed!" To Bilbo's right, Bombur shifted uncomfortably and grumbled something under his breath.

Kili leaned in too and muttered thoughtfully, "By Mahal, just like an elf's." Then, his eyes widened and he pointed accusingly, "You're a half-elf!"

Bofur sputtered. "I am not! I am certainly not a half-elf. I think I'd be much taller and much fairer than I am if I were." He looked over at Bombur and sighed. "I suppose we'll have to fess up now."

Watching the exchange between them, Bilbo's mind started to put things together. The odd familiarity, the songs, Bombur's roundness and affection for food, Bofur's easy acceptance from the start... Oh, of course. He stepped forward, "You're Emerald Gamgee's children, aren't you?" At this, Bofur and Bombur nodded in tandem. "Her running off was so scandalous that the tale has been passed around the Shire for over a century now. Never thought that the bit about her having children was true though. Our tales tend to be exaggerated. Bit of a warning for young hobbits against running off with strange folk I think." He winced at that last sentence and added, "Not that any of you are strange." In a far corner, Bilbo noted absently, Ori was scribbling furiously in his book.

Bofur rose shakily to his feet. "Always passed well enough as a full dwarf, except for my ears. Beard is a bit sparse by Dwarven standards, but it does grow in at least." He grinned sheepishly and wiggled a foot at Bilbo, "My feet are rather dainty and bare by Hobbit standards, just a sprinkling on my toes." He tilted his head towards Bombur, "He's got hairy feet, but he takes care to shave them. Wouldn't know him from a full-blooded dwarf otherwise."

"I'm very sorry for causing you any trouble, Bofur," Kili said very apologetically as he held the hat out. Fili stared at his feet and looked rather distressed.

Bofur took the hat and smiled reassuringly at them both, "Oh, it was all a bit of fun. You can make it up by fixing my hair back proper. Though now that my secret's out, I suppose I don't need to be covering my ears and baffling you striplings." He jabbed Fili in the shoulder.

"But why were you keeping it a secret?" Bilbo asked. Some of the other dwarves muttered agreement at this question.

Bombur spoke up this time, "Didn't want other dwarves to think us weak. Hobbits are, well... Hobbits are thought soft and gentle. No offense intended, Mr. Baggins." 

The shaggy white head of Balin nodded emphatically. "Our life in the Blue Mountains has not been an easy one at all, for either Durin's Folk escaping Erebor or for the Broadbeams that settled Ered Luin before us." He looked at Bofur steadily. "I had heard rumors myself floating around the halls, but I too thought them only silly stories from the village folk. I could only imagine the sort of ill treatment Bofur and Bombur might've received if their parentage were known."

Bofur waved a hand to his side. "Nothing to worry about now. I'd hope we've proven ourselves worthy enough to be part of this company by now."

"Aye, lad. You're both still fine companions in my eyes." Balin reassured him. Several dwarves voiced their concurrence with Balin's assessment. 

Bilbo smiled at Bofur. And when Bofur returned the smile fully, Bilbo's chest fluttered a little in reaction. Not sure what to make of this odd feeling, Bilbo decided it would be best to not dwell on it for the time being. He pulled his pipe and pouch of pipeweed from a pocket. "Well, this has been quite a night and I could use a good smoke to clear my head. Bofur, would you care to join me for a walk? Perhaps try some of this pipeweed, which as a half-hobbit you'll quickly realize is far superior to that dwarfgrass you insist on smoking." He said the last bit in jest and felt his heart flutter again when Bofur smiled brightly, dimples dotting his cheeks.

"Don't mind if I do." Bofur said, tossing his hat to Bombur. And they walked side-by-side down the path leading away from the veranda. 

They passed Gandalf and Thorin at the bottom. And though he wasn't quite certain, as his head was still a little foggy from drink and strange feelings, Bilbo could swear he heard Thorin say to Gandalf, "I think my mind's playing tricks on me for having gone too long without a rest. For I could swear Bofur's ears have gone as pointy as an elf's!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- The prompt for this story was "Bofur + Bombur are half Hobbits. Because that'd explain EVERYTHING!! Anon loves Bofur/Bilbo but gen is fine too."
> 
> \- The Hobbit drinking song was lifted from the Fellowship of the Ring Extended Edition.
> 
> \- Regarding clans and origins, the movie bios mention that the Bifur, Bombur, and Bofur were born and bred in the West. According to Tolkien, they are also not Durin's Folk, but are of a clan from Moria. So, I figure that they must be from a village settled by either fleeing Firebeards or Broadbeams that chose not to follow to the Lonely Mountain.


End file.
